Where can we go from here?

Up. Always up!!

I’m sad to announce that our fourth (and likely last) infertility treatment did not work. I took the test and it told me no, and I stopped all medicines and I am just waiting for my body to catch up. It has finally come to the point where I dont want to do these things anymore. I was so pumped in the beginning to start infertility because *I JUST KNEW* it would be the "cure all" solution to our baby making issues.
I guess not. As time as gone on, and more treatments are performed... I feel more and more desperate to get away from them. The shots, the appointments, the torturous two week wait. I’m tired of living life in 2 week increments. 2 weeks to see if my eggs grow enough. 2 weeks to see if the treatment took. 2 weeks to start over again. I want to just live, each day for what it brought me.

I have talked about adoption before and the more I talk about it... the more I am intrigued by it. I feel gravitated towards it. Yet, I still hesitate. Why? Why do I do that? Is it fear that if I give into my feelings towards adoption then I am stating matter of factly that I’m letting go of the hope of biological children? I think that I want to adopt and to have biological children equally as bad which makes it really hard to give one or the other priority.
But I have given biological children the best shot I could right now. I gave them the priority for the better half of 2 years. I think now its time to give my possible adoptive children that same opportunity to come into our lives.
When I think about adoption I feel very sensitive towards to subject. That feeling you get when you see something that just touches you deep inside, or you hear a story that sends chills through you because its so incredible... the feelings when the holy spirit attests of various truths. The Holy Spirit definitely lets me know that adoption is not only a great thing, but a great thing for US. I just want it to be clear that adoption is NOT a last resort, we are not settling for adoption because biological wasn’t working out.
We have always wanted to adopt, we just thought we would be doing it after biological children. Maybe God gave us the desire to adopt before we knew we couldn’t have children so that when it was the right time we would be open to adoption, even if it was before biological children.

The only real issue I have is that I didn’t ask to be infertile. I didn’t do anything wrong, in fact... i worked very hard to do thing right. My husband and I are good God fearing people, who try their best to live by the commandments. Why then can girls who are barely 13 years old get pregnant, why do drugged out women and men get to be blessed with babies, or children beaters and murderers... why do they get the beautiful blessing of children while my husband and I have to come up with upwards of 20k to bring this joy into our life. How is that fair? How many people just have the money "laying around" to throw out there for adoption? This is going to be the hardest part. Finding that money. It could even possibly be the deciding factor.

I think my mother is a big enough advocate of adoption that she would definitely contribute to the cause, and so would my grandfather... but I can’t expect them to foot the entire bill. I’m sure friends and family would give where they could, but times are tight. So what do we do? I guess that’s what we have to think about for right now.
We can only go up from here. Up, up, and away