Trying to conceive. Miscarriage. Infertility.
A lot of people don’t know how to approach the situation, or if they should even at all. Some people dive into that conversation head first and with little to no sympathy for how their words might affect us. Since the subject has become somewhat taboo… Ill just lay it out for you here, in my own words, as it attributes to my feelings and our personal journey.
When David and I got married I had an immediate desire to have children with him. I have always wanted to be a mother, but it wasn’t something that I pinned for until literally the day we said I do. I am sure it had something to do with the whole just marrying the man of my dreams and starting our life together… but whatever it was, it hit me hard and fast. At first I ignored these feelings because it just wasn’t logical. I knew David would not be up for it yet and I didn’t want to pressure him into anything. Well, a few months after we got married they discovered I had a blood clotting problem and was not able to be on any type of hormonal birth control. That left us with few options. We could practice abstinence… well, sorry but that wasn’t even a considered option. Not even for 2.5 seconds haha. Then there was over the counter contraceptives such as condoms… we won’t get into why that wasn’t an option either. I could try to get an IUD, oh but they don’t give those to woman who haven’t had children yet. That’s out. Well, what else? Natural family planning? Does that even work? Well, let’s try. So I took my basal body temperature every morning and inputted it into my spreadsheet and avoided “peak” days. This last for oh, Id say 2 months tops. Waking up every day at 5am just to take my temperature was not something I liked. David didn’t care to much for the alarm and waking him up either. That just kind of solved itself and we just said “whatever happens happens”. I tried to convince myself that we weren’t “trying” but we weren’t NOT “trying” either. Then everyone around me starting popping up pregnant. All the girls I hung out with weren’t talking about decorating the house, or the bizarre things they were discovering in married life… it all shifted to babies. To their symptoms and nurseries and name ideas. I started to get frustrated because I wanted what they were all getting. David continued to remind me that we were newly weds and it was not a huge deal yet. To calm down and have faith. Well, May 28th 2007 I woke up in the middle of the night with a HUGE desire for steak. I convinced a girlfriend and her friend and David to go to Norms with me at 1am to eat steak. Needless to say, the next day I tested positive.
Those joyous moments were very short lived because I had to deal with a huge tragedy of a dear friend of mine. Then flashing forward 10 weeks I started to spot. I knew right then it was over but still had the ultrasound done. Gone. Empty. Nothing. Blighted ovum. What does that even mean right? Like anyone knows what a blighted ovum is. At least I didn’t. Well, I do now, and let me tell you… it’s a pretty cruel thing to go through. Basically, egg and sperm meet… baby starts to grow. Makes it into the uterus, starts to implant but then something goes wrong and the “baby” dissipates. Well, in most women this would be an early miscarriage and they would just have what they thought was a “late” period. Not with a blighted ovum. With a blighted ovum everything else continues to grow despite the fact there is no baby. The sack grows, the placenta grows, the hormones go up, the symptoms hit full swing… and when your almost out of the “danger zone” and you started getting really excited… its over and you learn it was really over from the beginning. Cruel. After that I started to feel insanely desires of kids. I couldn’t understand how a miscarriage could happen to ME. My mom is freaking fertile myrtle herself… why am I going through this?
Well, a few months later on October 27th I got another positive. Well, that only last 3 days before the “early miscarriage” hit. Let me tell you, don’t let the word “early” fool you. Early, late, unknown, fast, short… whatever kind of miscarriage it is, it still hurts. It still knocks the wind out of you and makes you taste a glimpse of death. I don’t care what you believe, I believe a child is a baby from conception and I don’t care if I lost that baby early, 10 weeks in, 30 weeks in, at birth, or in their life… I still lost a child that I loved and wanted very much.
So the beat went on and nothing was changing. I was diagnosed with PCOS which explained a lot of things and what started my desire to understand fertility very clearly. I researched every sign, symptom and idea. I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. She ran multiple test on me, some painful, some a breeze. She tested David from the inside out and gave us a very simple a diagnosis. I'm spontaneously anovulatory, so I need medication to force ovulation. Fertility drugs. I also have a clotting order so I need to take low dose aspirin each day. No biggie right? Well, if you think that… you have obviously never been on infertility drugs. That will take you for a spin. David’s results were much simpler… for the most part everything is perfect or above perfect. The count was amazing, higher then average with great shapes and a good percentage moving forward. Only issue was they were a bit on the slow side. They took their sweet time going where they were headed. Well, that’s an easy fix. A simple procedure known as “IUI” or intrauterine insemination. They way it broke down was I would take these crazy fertility pills, I would inject my arms with these crazy fertility hormones, and I would get ultrasounds and blood work frequently to measure the eggs. When the time was right David would make a sample that the doctors would clean and get the “cream of the crop” from and inject it directly into my uterus. Very promising right?
Well, we went through 3 failed rounds. 3 rounds of sore arms, over emotional mood swings, many appointments and to many blood vials to count and still nothing. Once again… how could we be infertile? We are in our twenties!! So we took a break. If we hadn’t, there is a very good possibility that we would have both lost our sanity and pushed one another off a cliff haha. We decided last month to give it ONE last shot. My dual coverage runs out in a month and that means the prices for these meds and procedures will shoot up into the 4 digits. This will be our last attempt with medical intervention. If this cycle fails, then we will continue to try naturally and prepare our home and hearts for adoption. We will know in March where we stand.
I’ve gotten to the point with infertility treatments that I just am taking it for what its worth. I don’t have a choice right now. This is my last chance for a while to use medical treatment. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to make this work better then the last time or a way to figure out how it could work better next time. This is it… this is how it’s going to be and no matter what I do, it’s not in my hands. Ill take my shots, and listen to the doctors orders. I will try my best to keep up my end of the bargain… but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how much medicine I take, or hormones I do or don’t inject, it doesn’t matter how much the scale has changes or how diligent I have been in my prayers. It’s up to God. He blesses those as he see’s fit and Ive seriously learned that lesson loud and clear the past year.
This is not my plan, this is not my world. This life is for the sole purpose of learning and gaining faith and a testimony, choosing the right and triumphing in the face of adversity. My life is to serve God, to live out HIS will and the more I have accepted that, the easier its been to let go of “my” will and surrender to the will of my Heavenly Father. He knows how much I desire to have a biological baby, he knows how hard David and I pray for a family. He knows the desires of our heart, and I no longer feel that I am being punished for something by not being given a successful pregnancy. I am starting to see the bigger pictures and understand why David and I having been given this trial. So, like I said… it is what it is right now. Its in the Lords hands and whatever he decides is right for us, we will accept whole heartedly.
So now you are updated. You have heard the cliff notes version of our infertility journey and hopefully better understand us now. It’s a journey, a trial, a lesson that we are still learning. The key to all of this is to know how to talk to people, to know what’s appropriate and whats not. Don’t give me all your advice on how to get pregnant if you have never struggled. Common sense. Don’t tell me to “relax” that it will “happen when its meant to”. I'm tired of hearing and that it just makes me more apprehensive. Stop trying to make me feel better by trying to help me “get over it”. I don’t want to get over it and what makes me feel better is knowing I have support. Don’t tell me I'm young, that david and I have time on our side. What makes today any different from tomorrow? My body gets a day older. The time is now, and if my issues are this strong in my PEAK fertility years… what do you think will happen as time goes on. My fertility will just defy nature and get better with age? No. Also… I'm going to tell you my number one pet peeve. NEVER TELL A WOMAN WHO HAS MISCARRIED IT WAS FOR THE BEST!!! I don’t care what you think or believe, to me… losing a child regardless if it was just a cluster of cell or not doesn’t make me feel better. I dont need to hear “you will have another” because I wanted THAT one. I wanted that baby to live and thrive. So no, it doesn’t feel like it was for the best and I don’t want to think about another. I don’t want to hear how you got pregnant by just looking at your significant other and I don’t want you to tell me how youll have a kid for me since its so gosh darn easy for you.
Just love us. Just support us. When we are down ask if we need help up. When we are frustrated, give us a place to vent. When we are hurting, console us. I am so grateful that so many of you do not know what infertility feels like. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I'm so glad that you have been blessed with the gift of life and I hope one day I can join you. However, in the mean time… this is the path we are walking on and some day the Lord will give us the means to be blessed. Whether through a natural pregnancy, with the money to adopt, with the money to do an IVF cycle, or whatever he see’s fit. When that will happen? I don’t know. I hope it soon though. I have faith that he hears us. He is listening.
Whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith believing that ye shall receive in the name of Christ, ye shall receive it.
-Enos 1:15
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