Im getting it all off my chest.

*Pre-warning: I am 9 months pregnant. I am overly emotional and extremely exhausted. I am full of hormones that rage and even though I see the outbursts coming... I cant always stop them. This post is meant to help me filter those issues out here in a private space that I can feel protected in rather then bottling them up and errupting on the next person who crosses whatever line my pregnant hormones have drawn that day. haha. So please, take it all with a grain of salt.*

Since lately there has been some "hidden" tension (and sometimes not so hidden tension) amoungst different freinds/family/etc... some of the times between me and them, and other times I just witness the tension as a third party I thought it would be good to post a blog and get this off my chest. These are my feelings on the subject at hand and if you feel like Im talking about you... then ask me. If you feel like you need to talk to me about something I say, please do. Please call me, text me, email me... whatever. I hate when things get left unresolved and I hate when everyone suffers in a "group" because of the big fat elephants that are crowding the space up. I have tried to be a good friend, family member, sister in Christ... I have tried to be a good example and someone who is worth keeping as company. I have exhausted my options and now its time to "vent blog" haha.

First of all, stop judging us. Stop judging David and I because we live our life differently then you. If it bothers you that we got married young, or that we work full time, or that we are Mormon... then you have every right to cut us out of your life. If we are not the type of people you want to keep then please, dont keep us. I would hate to know that the way we live our life is bringing you down. Its our life to live and we dont always make the right choices... but we make them together and we suffer through the consequences together. If we are affecting you in any way shape or form... please let us know and we will adress it together. It drives me nuts that people think its okay to look at us and critisize constantly our decisions. I didnt realize that we were in contact with so many perfect people. Everyone makes the occational judgement, even when they dont mean to and I understand that. Infact I am even guilty of it... but stop fixating on us and worry about your own lives. If you are really that worried, how about talking to us about it instead of gossiping about us to everyone else. You do realize they tell us everytime you open your mouth about us haha. What the verse? "Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5)

As for the people that are using the "lifestyle choices" as the base for arguing... those lifestyle choices are yours to make. We will never tell you who to love or how to love who what choices to make in your life. I will never tell you your life is wrong and I will never try and hurt you for it. We are however entitled to our own opinions and sometimes that WILL clash with other peoples choices. Does that mean we hate them or think less of them? Absolutely not. I love the people in my life very much and that is why I choose to have them in my life. Not everyone has to view the world the way I do and not everyone needs to live their life the way I do. David and I will live our life according to the gospel standards that we believe in. We will raise our children this way and we will strive to be examples of this standard of life. However, like I said, its OUR life. Not yours. I cant make you live your life the way we live ours. So if I live my life different then yours and choose not to partake in events/standards/lifestyle choices that you do... it just means I dont believe in those things for MY life. Stop trying to make me accept your way of life as RIGHT and let me just accept you as my friend/family because I feel like you bring something important to my life regardless of our difference of opinions.

There are a few of you who are great friends, and I am so glad we came across each other and are able to share the unique bonds that we have formed. However friendships are an every growing and evolving process. Just because I cant be at your doorstep every free moment I have or because I choose to spend my time with various people then with you all the time does not mean I value you any less or dont want to be your friend. I also hate that because I dont have kids (well, not officially any outside the womb lol) that I am expected to do all the commuting and schedule adjusting. I love you, and visiting you... but I would love a "meet me half way" mentality. It is exhausting feeling like the only person keeping these relationships alive. When I tried the "Ill contact you as much as you contact me" approach almost every single one of you fell off the face of the earth, and then blamed me for it when I caved and contacted you. I love you enough to put forth the effort, but really, it would be nice to have that same effort put back towards me.

Lying is not acceptable. "You" in particular are driving me nuts with your ever changing stories, your blatant lies and the worst part is that you cant even keep up with all the crud your mouth spills out that nothing EVER adds up. Your lying now to cover your lies. Doesnt that make you exhausted? Dont you wish you were confident enough in yourself to be who you actually are? I bet myself, as well as everyone else around you would like you so much more if you would stop trying to be something your not. Im not sure you even know you do it, and that makes me sad that you have that little of a sense of identity. You are a smart person and have the ability to grow up and be an awesome person if you would just get it together. Stop focusing on what everyone has that you dont have and instead focus on what you have and how to make it better. Its getting annoying to be around you because we have to be on eggshells not knowing whats going to set you off or whatever. If you need someone to talk to about whatever your going through, Im here. I will listen and I will try my best to give any advice the spirit prompts me to give... but something in the mean time has to give. I dont want to be frustrated everytime I leave you or read things you write or hear what you say... I want to enjoy your company and want to spend time around you. At this point your immaturity and laziness and inability to tell the truth sends me running the other direction with my fingers in my ears screaming "lalalala" to try and save myself from spewing out the gossip/judgement that I find come so easily after being around you. That doesnt lift me up, it brings me down. I want to walk away with nice things to say and I want to help you grow as a person as you help me grow. So please... grow up and be the awesome person I know you are inside before I re-evaluate why I want you in my life and realize that right now, I dont.

Its okay to ask for help. I know you are proud that you can do it on your own and it makes us really proud of you too. However, its okay to talk about things. Its okay to cry and its okay to reach out to those that love you and want to be there for you. You cant be super woman and he cant just turn the light off on issues he doesnt want to address. We are here for you and admire you so much, so please dont ever feel like you cant come to us for help or just a place to get away for a while or whatever. I just have a gut feeling that there is more going on then you want to let on because you are scared of being seen as weak or something. Talk to me :) Im your friend and want to help you.

Thats probably the biggest clump of internalized feelings I have for now. haha. I feel better getting it off my chest and I will work on expressing myself better when faced with these situations/people instead of internalizing it. Just gotta work on opening my mouth instead of looking away and hoping it gets better on its own. The Lord puts people in our lives for a reason, and I am in peoples lives for a reason. If I am there then I might as well go the whole 10 yards right? haha.

I just want to say I love my family and friends a lot and dont know where I would be without them. I dont want to give up on them and even though I get frustrated (as shown above lol) I still stand by them. :)